Take it all in

You know what? I am beautiful. I am perfect. I am absolutely wonderful. No, I'm not being narcissistic, I am just trying to boost my self esteem here. I will never change for some person else. I am marvellous just as I am. I will continue being marvellous because I deserve to be, I will continue being me.
I will try to talk more, interact more, converse more. Yes, I may get ignored, interrupted, talked over, not paid attention to, but so what? I will talk if that's exactly what makes me happy, if that's what makes me come out of my lone zone. I'll talk because I want to hear my own voice. Sometimes I feel as though my voice is the only thing that can soothe me. I never once thought that I could find comfort in a voice, but slowly I find myself talking comforting.
I look out from my window and all I can see is the darkness. Dark, gloomy and creepy is all that I can feel and see. But that is when I need a change in my perspective. Did you know that the darkest nights produce the brightest stars? "Life is really just a reflection of what you think. If your thoughts are polluted, the things you see will be the same." Changing the way I perceive is what helps me the most.
I want to smile, so I will. Nobody can stop me from smiling. Seriously, because smiling is so helpful. If you just stop for a moment, think of any happy moment in your life and smile for real, it will most definitely brighten up your day. And do I want A bright, colourful day with a smile on my face.
Every single time that I felt like I couldn't go on, I did. And here I am now. Is it not just crazy how one can overcome things which once felt unconquerable just by time? Time is all that it takes.

"In life you just have moments when you think you're over it and then you have others when you cry on the bathroom floor wondering why you weren't good enough."
Take it all in, the good and the bad. 

Borderline

I let myself out. I let you into my world. I told you my deepest secrets. You held me high, you helped me out and here I am now. "Here", on the border of happiness and sorrow. It feels as though I'm in two places at once. I'm just so confused all the time about everything. I don't even have the slightest clue about what I want to do. It comes to a limit where I just give up. I stop looking for answers and I stop searching. And it is only then that it hits me, that sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you are by yourself, in this lonely little crazy world.
"Who did that to you? Who messed you up so bad, emotionally and mentally that you've completely shut down anyone who tries to help you. You don't talk about your feelings, you push kind people away and you let negative thoughts in. You refuse to open up and let someone love you or care about you. Honestly, who did that to you?

Okay?

Pain in my chest, pounding in my heart and mess in my head. Well, it's not just my head that's a mess. I officially declare that I am a mess after a year of bliss. I am so messed up that I don't even know what to write anymore. All I've been doing the past twenty four hours is break down and cry. I feel so guilty somehow talking about my own feelings and I immediately regret because I feel just so annoying and pathetic. I cried, screamed and broken down, but I still try putting on a fake smile. "Am I really okay?" Well I am acting like I am okay and I don't want anyone to interrupt my performance. Friendly reminder by the way guys, people in psychology school are taught that anger is a secondary emotion. So the next time you make someone mad, remember that it's because they were originally hurt or upset. No one has the slightest idea how much pain runs through my veins. Nobody please ever come into my life and start to matter and become an important part of it and then just walk away leaving nothing but a hole in my chest. I wanted to scream, I wanted to burst in tears, I wanted to get drunk and kill myself, but all I could do was stare at the wall in silence.

Life is like a piano I suppose; white keys represents joy, black shows sadness. As you go through life, remember that the black keys make music too.

"You kissed her in the rain out in the storm and you didn't realize that the rain was my tears and the thunder was my heart breaking." 

Take a look back

Flashback to March, 2014; "Short cropped hair, protruding collar bones, edgy hip bones, ribs poking, backbone visible, big dark circles under my eyes, living basically on water and fasting most of the time."
A year ago everything was different. I wouldn't have pictured myself like this. 'This' would be happy, healthy, in love, friendly. Most importantly I don't think I could ever imagine myself loving and accepting the body that God has gifted me. It has been quite the 365 days for me, from having low self esteem, self loathing to being self accepting and healthier and happier. I finally accept the fact that certain things will never be according to me. I cannot change my body to my own likes neither can I look like a person I am not.
My self esteem is still low. I still have difficulty seeing my reflection. I sometimes still get disgusted with my face and my body. You can tell me every day that I'm beautiful, and I would feel nice, but I would have trouble believing even a single word of it. Because nobody knows what I see in my mirror. And I'm just so glad that you don't see me the way I do because you would be just as disgusted. 

But hey! I believe I'm on the correct path of self acceptance. Because I am stronger than I ever have been. 

Mornings

It is 11:04 am, not exactly a great time to be waking up. But oh well, it’s still morning. I know very well that in the next fifty five minutes it’s going to be afternoon.

Lately, every morning I get up the first I do is decide. Decide what I want? What is it that I want from life today? Misery? Or blissfulness? What will I be choosing today? Obviously I pick blissfulness. That is what any sane person in this world would do. But can it be so that just by choosing blissfulness, I am happy throughout the day? You might say that its not at all possible. But I beg to differ. Just remember, one small positive thought in the morning can make a positive difference to the way you live today. All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, is exactly what we become. 

Start every morning with a grateful heart. Let all your pain, tiredness, and sorrow be washed away. Think for a moment and praise God for everything he has done for you. God will enlighten your mind with truth, inflame your heart with love, inspire your will with courage, enrich your life with service. He will pardon what you have been, sanctify what you are. He will order what you shall be. God will always be there beside you. All you need to do is believe and he will show you the way. He will be your guide. 

Good morning!

Pages of her Diary

"The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one when everyone is asleep. The one where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just want to scream. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you just cannot breathe anymore.
What brings tears to my eyes? Just words. The wrong kind of words, which feel like knives, swords and weapons used against me. Words are like tsunamis, but people splash them around like puddles. You should learn that just by saying the wrong things, you can end someone's life. Do you really want to be a murderer? I have heard of my imperfections, I know of them, I am aware of them, but thank you so much for pointing them out to me and reminding me of them yet again. You ask me why its so hard for me to trust people? I ask you one simple question, "Why is so hard for you to keep a promise?"

Everything seems to be so exhausting, no matter how much I sleep, or much I coffee I drink, or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up. My soul is tired.
You have to understand that my feelings will get bottled up and I won't be able to hold them in any longer, I will scream, I will cry.

I just need a break."

Do you Ever?

Do you ever miss a friend but you don’t want to tell them because they are probably doing perfectly fine without you? And for them it probably does not even matter. You don’t tell them because you don’t want them to think you’re annoying or needy. 

"Do you ever feel like you said too much? I did. I already shared too much, I already said too much. And I want all my secrets back now. I hate getting close to people these days. I always end up caring too much, sharing too much, doing too much, feeling too much."
- She thought.